ROCKALL'S FINEST
FEB. 26, 1855 (or thereabouts)
No. 7 1,992 readers (or thereabouts)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY from the Editor's Sanctum
God bless the Queen. She's a bit short and fat, but quite nice. I saw her when she opened the Crystal Palace, you know. Don't like that Hun Albert, though.
(Message found tied to the leg of a Beefeater)
ADVERTISEMENTS. Rates 2d. a word, 2/6 for long words which are hard to spell. (Wanted, compositor who can read without moving his lips.)
WILL ANYONE finding a middle-aged medical gentleman with a limp, who whitters on endlessly about Afghanistan, please return same to S.H., 221b Baker Street (weekends only).
STOP THE TRAM. The electric effluvia from these monstrous devices are destroying the ozone layer. Meeting Thurs., Whetby's Coke Works.
BOILS? DISTURBED VASCULAR SYSTEM? DISINCLINATION FOR WORK OF ANY KIND? Apply BLOGG'S PASTE to affected part for instant relief. "Worked like magic" - Alfred, Lord Tennyson
URGENTLY REQUIRED. Anyone who can tell me how I can get the Great Eastern launched. I.K.B., Paddington.
SEE THE SLUMS! DISTRIBUTE LARGESSE! Poke Cockneys with a stick! Fights with costermongers a speciality. EAST END TOURS, 337 Garret St., E.
GREAT WESTERN RAILWAY Travel by the mighty broad gauge locomotive Lord of the Isles down to Penzance and go for a paddle. No jokes about kettles, please.
WILL THE PERSON who tested an atomic bomb on the Murumgura Plateau in 1852 please see me at Balmoral immediately as the Russians are getting stroppy again. V.R.
SKIVVY WANTED. Clean house, bring in coal, satisfy master's peculiar desires. Nice attic with view of knacker's yard. Remuneration £2 p.a. and brass washer.
DOGS SKINNED WHILE YOU WAIT. Make nice muffs, foot-warmers, novelty products. Also quite fun. 'BONZO BONANZA' LTD., Clerkenwell
BALACLAVA VETERAN wishes to sell helmet and some used Russian cannonballs. Will exchange for picture of Florence Nightingale. No time-wasters, please.
THE CLIPPER SHIP MAL DE MER will depart for Australia on the morning tide. Still a few vacancies for steerage passengers. Registered Floating Hell. Bring own marlinspike. Apply Capt. Birdseye, Sailor's Leg, Lambeth.
ELDERLY GENTLEMAN wishes to exchange large town house in Kensington for anywhere out of sight of the Albert Memorial. Prof. Owen, Natural History Museum.
ASPIDISTRAS TAKING OVER? Houses cleared of rampant pot plants at cheap rates. Will also dispose of boa constrictors, Bengal tigers, and anything else brought back from India by retired colonels. Box 3.