July the Seventeenth, 1755 (or thereabouts)
2,000 Readers (or thereabouts)
News Post-Haste from all Parts. Any Intelligence not relating to Fox-Hunting, Executions, Mortalities, immoderate Drinking and sensual Dalliance has been ruthlessly expung'd by our dedicated Staff at no extra Charge.
M. SCARAMOUCHE, a person of the Gallic persuasion, today mortally wounded Le Comte de Frilly in a Duel, after the latter claimed that the former was not the finest Swordsman in all France but was in fact Stewart Granger, a travelling Mountebank from the American Colonies.
M. BLANCHARD, the celebrated Aeronaut, today ascended from Little Pillockton in the latest Enthusiasm of the present Age, an Aerostatick Globe fill'd with Dephlogisticated Air. Various members of the Labouring Classes, their feeble Wits inflam'd by Cyder, call'd after him, "Where's your Wings then, Froggie?", but were soon oblig'd to desist consequent upon the fall of a small Attom Bomb.
THE EAST INDIAMAN Simple Sarah arriv'd at Plymouth after a Voyage of 1,673 Days. Such were the Crew's Privations that they were compell'd to consume all manner of noxious Victuals, including several Aldermen and a small Dogg belonging to a Rev. J. Russell. Capt. Farthing said upon arrival, "I thought I'd go the Pretty Way."
AT A MEETING of the Royall Society on the 12th inst., on the Subject of the Antipodes, a Dispute arose between the assembled Savants as to the nature of the Great South Land recently discover'd by Navigators. Dr. Thaddeus Prig claim'd that the Region was naught but a desolate Solitude inhabited by untutor'd Savages whose Intellect barely exceeded that of the average Gentleman's Epsilon Reader. He went on to state that the South Land contained nothing of service to the Human Race, but was a parch'd Desert fill'd with grotesque bounding Creatures, all manner of voracious Fish, venomous Serpents and other Extravagances of Nature. It was fit only to be populated with Editors, Pickpockets, Cut-Purses, and similar malefactors whose space civilized Society prefers to their Company. Dr. Bruce Kevin then replied, "I beg to differ with you, Sir. New Holland might fittingly be described as God's Own Earth, blessed as it is with perpetual Sunshine, a balmy Climate, and splendid Beaches, whereon the Youth of the Country may indulge in the exhilarating Polynesian Sport of Wave-Riding. I venture to suggest, Sir, that in future Ages Kookaburra Land (as I suggest it be more fittingly named) will stand forth as a shining Beacon of Enlightenment, Art, and Culture, which less favour'd Realms will look upon with hopeless envy, Sport." Upon perceiving that Dr. Prig was unconvinc'd, Dr. Kevin struck him upon the Cranium with a bent Stick, and the Meeting broke up in Disorder.
A BATTLE which was to have taken place outside Plugheim, between the forces of the Elector of Sludghafen and those of the Archduke Bravissimo, has been postpon'd until the first nice Day.